Little did Lula Mae know she would be leaving Dinkledorf Drive on the day she received a mooning from little Fartley Dinkledorf. A classmate of Fartley's had played a trick on the incessantly flatulent child that cured his compulsive and most odorous behavior. Muchmore Mayhem gave Fartley a chocolate bar that turned out to be a laxative.
Fartley rushed toward home as nature called in a most insistent manner. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it that far. He ended up making a beeline around the back of Jules' home. There, he proceeded to liberally coat the shrubs just as Lula Mae was looking out her window to greet the new day.
Lula Mae wasn't amused. She hightailed it to the kitchen where she grabbed a rubber spatula. Then she pounded the earth to wallop Fartley's already abused fanny before he had a chance to pull up his pants.
Upon arriving home in a cascade of tears, Fartley told his sad tale to his parents. His normally timid father, Dinky Dinkledorf, decided to go on a rampage himself. With all of his one hundred thirty-five pounds, he was prepared to do battle with Lula Mae who was twice his size. Unfortunately for Dinky, he was no match for the likes of Lula Mae.
“Come out here, you big cow!” squeaked Dinky. “You're not going to get away with beating my boy!”
“Who y'all callin' a cow, you dinky, liddle man” she bellowed back. “Ah've a raht mahnd to paddle yo' scrawny ass too! Id's bad enuff dat yo' liddle waht trash chile shot Lula Mae da moon an mo'! Now y'all has da nuhv ta call me names! Ah'm goinna teach ya'll a lesson ya'll soons not goinna fo-git!”
That's just what Lula Mae did. What she didn't realize was that Dinky's one hundred-seven year-old grandfather, Poopsy Dinkledorf, was looking out the window at that very minute.
When Poopsy saw Dinky upon Lula Mae's broad lap, his paternal instincts kicked in. He decided he was going to kick ass, lady or not! For the first time in over fifteen years, that old man really moved. There wasn't a single teeter to his totter. He made tracks that nearly sizzled as he pushed his trusty cane across the pavement at a full trot. He was on a mission to save his grandson!
Lula Mae didn't see it coming. She was having too much fun dishing it out to Dinky. All of sudden, Lula Mae let out a bellow that was louder than Bessie the cow when she'd birthed her springtime calf. Poopsy had made his mark. He'd used that cane of his to give Lula Mae a thwack of her own right on her buns-aplenty.
Her normally mild-mannered man, Jules, insisted that she owed Fartley an apology. That's when she leaned forward with one of her hefty arms outstretched and her finger pointing out her displeasure. Then she started swaying with a menace as she piped up. “No one's goinna sass Lula Mae and Ah ain't givin' no apologies to NO ONE! If'n y'all ain't goinna stan' up fo' yo' womans, den Ah's clearin' out!”
Lula Mae let out a “harrumph.” Then she turned her buns-aplenty on her audience of spectators and she marched back into the house. You could hear her cursing all over the neighborhood from inside that bedroom.
Not two minutes later, she burst out through that front door carrying a large suitcase that wouldn't close since it was overflowing with clothes. She threw that suitcase into the back of her Cadillac, she plopped herself in the driver's seat, and she gave it the gas. Then she zoomed out of the driveway and she barreled down the street.
Take a journey to Bucksnort, Wisconsin, where the tales contained in "Babes in Bucksnort" will keep you in stitches of laughter from the beginning to the end. Just don't keep all the fun to yourselves. Consider entertaining your friends this Christmas with the hilarious books in the Sister Mary Olga series. There's nothing like giving the gift of joy and it will only return to you multiplied.
Author Davis Aujourd'hui
"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)