BABY BURPEE"S UNIQUE WEDDING

Baby Burpee is Diddle's Dinkledorf's great niece. She is a goddess of grand girth and she is going to get married in Babes in Bucksnort. It will turn out to be a blessed event with a unique twist.

Baby met her husband-to-be on the shores of the Mighty Mississippi. It was love at first sight. The one thing the two of them had in common was their passion for food. Junior Rathbone was even bigger than Baby. He tipped the scales at three hundred sixty-six pounds. Baby wasn't far behind in weight. Here's how the grand event began to play out. They were going to reenact the evening of their first meeting.

The evening of the big event had finally arrived. The guests lined up along the shore of the river to watch Baby promenade down to the river bank. Junior stood at the edge of the river. From there, he watched his beautiful and bountiful bride, with the long blond hair that looked like liquid silver, approach him on the arms of her Great-Uncle Diddles.

The guests were somewhat surprised when Diddles escorted Baby to a spot on the river away from Junior. What happened next was even more surprising. The bridesmaids began to help Baby take off her huge wedding gown that resembled a tent. The guests gasped as they watched the buxom bride standing before them in nothing but the mounds flesh which were her birthday suit.

Then Baby strolled out into the Mississippi where she took her plunge into the water. A spotlight followed Baby as she swam out into the river toward a swimming float where the preacher was standing. As the guests watched Baby doing the breast stroke, Junior began to take off his tuxedo which could have fit a grizzly bear.

The spotlight shifted to Junior who was now standing before them buck naked. The happy courtship of Baby and Junior had only served to add mounding layers of flesh to the already corpulent couple. Junior looked like a small whale as he stood on that shore of the river.

A drum roll began and Junior took his cue. With a running start, he began to pound the earth as he headed for the tree trunk that would guide his way into the water. He hit that trunk at a gallop and it quaked as he approached his take off. With one final and furious bounce that nearly submerged that tree trunk, Junior dove into those waters with a resounding splat.

The spotlight traced the waves that raced in both directions. Before Junior reemerged, those waves rocked the swimming float where the preacher was ready to perform the ceremony. They hit with such a force that the preacher nearly toppled right into the river. Baby didn't notice. Her eyes were brimming with tears of joy as Junior emerged from the river where he came to a rest against her billowing bosoms.

That was just the beginning of their hilarious wedding. Things only got more bizarre from this point. Read the ending in Babes in Bucksnort, a book in which your funny bone will be tickled from the beginning to the end. The diverse cast of zany characters will entertain you with their outrageous antics. Don't miss out on the fun!

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

Books:
"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)

Great Gift Idea or Gift for Yourself if you are looking for giggle out loud books! Kindles are available for $3.99 each.

Great Reading for People That would like to sit down and have a great laugh!

Kind words about Author Davis Aujourd'hui and his first book of the "Sister Mary Olga" Satire Series"



From The Publisher: "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1 of Series)

Author Davis Aujourd'hui:

Your narrative voice is FANTASTIC. Reading through your work was like sitting across from you and having a cup of coffee.

I really enjoyed it!

Your work demonstrates strong writing with a nice flow.

You really have done a nice job putting together your book. Your writing proves you did your homework before writing your story as your story line flows so nicely.

Your book is written well and I have to say that there were times I wondered if I was reading fiction or nonfiction.

Congratulations! 


Tinamarie Ruvalcaba
Author Representative
Outskirts Press



Book 1 - " The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"

Available in Paperback and Kindle Format! Kindle Special Pricing $3.99

LULA MAE BUNSAPLENTY LEAVES WITH A DOSE OF ATTITUDE

Lula Mae Bunsaplenty is the much younger paramour of the elderly and suave Jules Jesslike Pappas. She is queen of the castle. She sashays around in a caftan, cinched up at her bountiful bosom and has used her feminine wiles to wrap Jules around her finger. Unfortunately for Lula Mae, that isn't working any more. Jules has realized that she is a manipulative gal who is only in life for herself.

Little did Lula Mae know she would be leaving Dinkledorf Drive on the day she received a mooning from little Fartley Dinkledorf. A classmate of Fartley's had played a trick on the incessantly flatulent child that cured his compulsive and most odorous behavior. Muchmore Mayhem gave Fartley a chocolate bar that turned out to be a laxative.

Fartley rushed toward home as nature called in a most insistent manner. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it that far. He ended up making a beeline around the back of Jules' home. There, he proceeded to liberally coat the shrubs just as Lula Mae was looking out her window to greet the new day.

Lula Mae wasn't amused. She hightailed it to the kitchen where she grabbed a rubber spatula. Then she pounded the earth to wallop Fartley's already abused fanny before he had a chance to pull up his pants.

Upon arriving home in a cascade of tears, Fartley told his sad tale to his parents. His normally timid father, Dinky Dinkledorf, decided to go on a rampage himself. With all of his one hundred thirty-five pounds, he was prepared to do battle with Lula Mae who was twice his size. Unfortunately for Dinky, he was no match for the likes of Lula Mae.

“Come out here, you big cow!” squeaked Dinky. “You're not going to get away with beating my boy!”

“Who y'all callin' a cow, you dinky, liddle man” she bellowed back. “Ah've a raht mahnd to paddle yo' scrawny ass too! Id's bad enuff dat yo' liddle waht trash chile shot Lula Mae da moon an mo'! Now y'all has da nuhv ta call me names! Ah'm goinna teach ya'll a lesson ya'll soons not goinna fo-git!”

That's just what Lula Mae did. What she didn't realize was that Dinky's one hundred-seven year-old grandfather, Poopsy Dinkledorf, was looking out the window at that very minute.
.
When Poopsy saw Dinky upon Lula Mae's broad lap, his paternal instincts kicked in. He decided he was going to kick ass, lady or not! For the first time in over fifteen years, that old man really moved. There wasn't a single teeter to his totter. He made tracks that nearly sizzled as he pushed his trusty cane across the pavement at a full trot. He was on a mission to save his grandson!

Lula Mae didn't see it coming. She was having too much fun dishing it out to Dinky. All of sudden, Lula Mae let out a bellow that was louder than Bessie the cow when she'd birthed her springtime calf. Poopsy had made his mark. He'd used that cane of his to give Lula Mae a thwack of her own right on her buns-aplenty.

Her normally mild-mannered man, Jules, insisted that she owed Fartley an apology. That's when she leaned forward with one of her hefty arms outstretched and her finger pointing out her displeasure. Then she started swaying with a menace as she piped up. “No one's goinna sass Lula Mae and Ah ain't givin' no apologies to NO ONE! If'n y'all ain't goinna stan' up fo' yo' womans, den Ah's clearin' out!”

Lula Mae let out a “harrumph.” Then she turned her buns-aplenty on her audience of spectators and she marched back into the house. You could hear her cursing all over the neighborhood from inside that bedroom.

Not two minutes later, she burst out through that front door carrying a large suitcase that wouldn't close since it was overflowing with clothes. She threw that suitcase into the back of her Cadillac, she plopped herself in the driver's seat, and she gave it the gas. Then she zoomed out of the driveway and she barreled down the street.

Take a journey to Bucksnort, Wisconsin, where the tales contained in "Babes in Bucksnort" will keep you in stitches of laughter from the beginning to the end. Just don't keep all the fun to yourselves. Consider entertaining your friends this Christmas with the hilarious books in the Sister Mary Olga series. There's nothing like giving the gift of joy and it will only return to you multiplied.

Author Davis Aujourd'hui

"The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)

CREATIVE COOKING WITH AMANDA ANN ADULT

Bucksnort Wisconsin's major celebrity is a seasoned old gal named Amanda Ann Adult. She cooks with plenty of seasoning and she always does it with generous doses of vodka. She and Sister Mary Olga Fortitude are best buddies, given their mutual passion for heavenly and potable spirits.

Amanda Ann is the half-sister of Julius Jesslike Pappas. That's a story unto itself. For now, let's focus on Amanda Ann.

In her younger years, Amanda Ann was the mistress of Priscilla Bunhead's father, Boris. This created a lifetime grudge for Priscilla since she blamed Amanda Ann for her mother's death. Following her discovery of her husband's affair, Priscilla's mother wandered off the curb in a daze and was run over by the milk man. That's when Priscilla became a motherless child.

Boris Bunhead was the owner of Bucksnort's only radio station, WBUN. After starting his affair with Amanda Ann, he made a celebrity out of her. He gave Amanda Ann her own radio show which Amanda Ann dubbed, Cooking with Class.

Every day at 5PM, the local housewives and many of the gay men of Bucksnort would tune into her show for the recipe of the day. The show turned out to be a smash. One thing Amanda Ann knew how to do was to cook. She also quickly learned how to drink when Boris dumped her for Dolly Delite.

Amanda Ann got even with Dolly later, but that's another story too.

Amanda Ann became another lost soul who blamed her fate at becoming a spinster on other people and life circumstances. She became a drunk. Fortunately, for the readers of my series, her drunkenness was always spiced with plenty of humor. She also had another good drinking buddy beside Sister Mary Olga. That would be the parish priest, Father Cowberries.

Priscilla would always prepare the for the convent's annual Christmas pageant. One year in particular, things got rather out of hand. She always had a potent egg nog on hand which Father Cowberries and Sister Mary Olga enjoyed. It contained a little egg nog, some ice cream, and lots of bourbon, rum and brandy.

This particular year, Father Cowberries accidentally destroyed her dessert. After imbibing heavily on Amanda Ann's egg nog, he passed out and plunged head-first into her Yule log. When it came time to present the smashed dessert to the assembled crowd, Amanda Ann wheeled out her log, cursing all the way. She announced that Father Cowberries had already had his piece.

Take a side-splitting journey to Bucksnort where the unexpected is always to be expected. The characters are zany and the scenarios are outrageous. There's also lots of spice besides Amanda Ann's cooking. Thanks to the sexual antics of my characters, there's always a dose of dirt for Priscilla Bunhead to get her crooked nose hooked in. She dishes it out with as much panache as Amanda Ann dishes out her culinary delights.

Your travels to Bucksnort begin with "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" followed by "Babes in Bucksnort". The laughter doesn't stop there. There will be many more books in the series yet to come. Treat yourselves to lots of laughs this Christmas. My books are available through Amazon.com.

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN SISTER MARY OLGA & PRISCILLA BUNHEAD

Sister Mary Olga:

“Just wait one minute while I have a deliciously holy snort of bourbon and light up a Marlboro. Oh? What's that?... I'm on the radio!... Goodness Gravy! Forgive me, my dears. This is Sister Mary Olga Fortitude coming to you. Now! I've heard that some of you are interested in hearing about my misadventures. That's all well and good as long as you don't spread any malicious gossip. After all, there's nothing very holy about that!

Suffice it to say that life is happening in the sleepy little hamlet of Bucksnort, Wisconsin in just the same manner as everywhere else. It's just that most of you tend to keep your untidy little secrets to yourself. Ahem! Excuse me for just a moment while I have another refreshing drink of what I prefer to call heavenly spirits. Ah! That's much better!

Well! Thanks to a busybody named Priscilla Bunhead, nobody's business in the Snortlands of Wisconsin remains their own for very long. Priscilla is the president of an organization called BUN. That stands for Bunheads Unite Now. Why, she's recruited the most vulnerable female souls of Bucksnort who prefer to have someone else do their thinking for them. Just like Priscilla, her fellow bunheads all wear their hair in little buns at the back of their heads. This only serves to squeeze their little brains so tightly that they couldn't think for themselves even if they wanted to.”

(Suddenly there is a shrill voice in the background.)

Priscilla Bunhead:

“Just wait one damn moment, you sanctimonious sister! We bunheads happen to practice human decency, contrary to the likes of you and that former whore of your reverend mother, not to mention the perverts on Dinkledorf Drive. How would you like to live next to a half-Negro bastard like Jules Jesslike Pappas and his fat floozy, Lula Mae Bunsaplenty, while I have a couple of lesbos living on the other side of my unhappy home?

To make matters even worse, I think there's a homo or two on the block! Then there's that 105 year-old peeping Tom, Poopsy Dinkledorf, who lives across the street! The only comfort I have about this revolting situation is that I know they're all going straight to hell when they die. In the meantime, I'll get my satisfaction by doing everything in my power to make their lives as miserable as possible! Maybe that will convince them to get the hell out of Bucksnort!”

Sister Mary Olga:

“Ahem! (followed by a whisper to the audience) - Hang on folks while I just have another little snort to calm my nerves. - It seems to me that you could benefit from one of my classes in Advanced Holiness. After all, as the good book says, 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.'”

Priscilla Bunhead:

“I'll be damned if I'll ever set my foot on the grounds of a Catholic convent! I happen to be a good Baptist so don't think that you're going to preach to me! After all, since you're always siding with the perverts, you'll also be going straight to hell. I just hope the readers of your books don't get suckered in by your so-called lessons in holiness. As the saying goes, 'Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing!'”

Sister Mary Olga:

“Now, now, my dear! Just be careful when you cast a judgment. After all, we're all only looking into a mirror at ourselves whenever we do that.”

Priscilla Bunhead:

“Poppycock, Mary Olga! I'm just here to let your listeners know that, if they read your books, they'll probably go straight to hell too. Quite frankly, I don't give a damn! They'll only have themselves to blame. At least I've done them the favor of warning them.”

Sister Mary Olga:

“Ahem! I'm sure you think you're doing them a kindness. Perhaps it would be better if you let them judge that for themselves. After all, all of God's children deserve a chance to have a good laugh and, (as Sister Mary Olga lets go of a belly laugh) God forgive me, you've just done that for me. Bless you, my dear.”

Priscilla Bunhead:

“You'd better wake up and smell the coffee before it's too late! As for me, I'm getting the hell out of here because your homo cowboy chef is coming this way with a tray of cookies. If you know what's good for you, I wouldn't eat one of those. After all, you never know where his hands might have been!” (sound of running footsteps)

Sister Mary Olga:

“Sigh! Hi Randy!”

Randy Cowboy:

“Hey, Sister, who was that?”

Sister Mary Olga:

“Honey, you don't want to know! When I used to believe in them, I might have called her a demon. Instead I realize she's just a scared little girl. Now! Let's change to a gayer note and let me have one of those cookies! They look scrumptious!”

Author Davis Auhourd'hui

Sister Mary Olga Book Series:

"The Misadventure of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude" (Book 1)

"Babes in Bucksnort" (Book 2)

If you would like to purchase either or both of the books in e-book format, you can do so on the right side of the blog....order now and have the file in a few minutes. Just $4.50 per e-book!