Monday, June 14, 2010
PRISCILLA BUNHEAD MEETS LILLILIVER LIPSTICK
Priscilla was the town prude and busybody. Lately, she had found ripe pickings among some of her new neighbors. They were none other than the Snatchasnitches. The most vulnerable member of that family
was none other than Lilliliver Lipstick.
Priscilla presented the Snatchasnitches with one of her famous sour cream cakes on the very day after they had moved into the neighborhood. Prissy needed all of the support she could get for her causes. She was still trying to regain ground after Sister Samantha had infiltrated one of her BUN meetings. BUN just happens to stand for Bunheads Unite Now.
Ever the good student of poor fashion, Lilliliver Lipstick was a prime candidate for a strangled bun with which to control her stringy dishwater hair. She was also a good candidate to be controlled by someone who could do her thinking for her.
Prissy rang the Snatchasnitch’s doorbell and was greeted by Abner and Lilliliver’s little Senorita. At least our little Senorita had some good sense, though she was lacking in the manners department. There before her stood a scrawny, prune-faced lady who looked as if she’d been sucking on lemons.
Senorita took one look at this woman who had about as much hair as a church mouse. Then she exclaimed, “You’re the ugliest old lady I’ve ever seen!”
Prissy nearly shoved her sour cream cake right into little Senorita’s smug face until she remembered that she was on a mission. That’s when Lilliliver Lipstick quickly appeared and said to Senorita, “Now, now, sweetie, that’s not a very nice thing to say to an old lady.”
Priscilla was still on the fence about where her cake should end up. She chose the higher road and she presented it to Lilliliver Lipstick as she said, “Welcome to Dinkledorf Drive! I wanted to be the first one to roll out the welcome mat to you. May I come in for a moment?”
Lilliliver gave Priscilla a smile that reminded Priscilla of some of the insecure girls in her former etiquette classes for young ladies. Then Lilliliver admitted Prissy to her own perfect and prissily-kept home before she offered Priscilla a perfectly-fluffed, aqua-colored arm chair.
Priscilla took in the surroundings and the chair with an approving smile. Aqua had always been her favorite color. Besides, having recently become a retired home economics teacher, she was always pleased to see a young woman who took her domestic chores seriously. Then she craftily led the conversation around to her latest campaign.
She lowered her high-strung voice into nearly a whisper when she said, “My dear, I think I should warn you about some of your new neighbors. Evil lurks in the neighborhood. Why, the house just two doors down from you is inhabited by a couple of lesbians! You must protect your little Senorita against their evil influences. You wouldn’t want her to turn out like that, now would you?”
Lilliliver shuddered at the thought as she feverishly squirmed in her own seat. Then she exclaimed, “Oh my heavens, no!”
Priscilla continued on. “I also think that you should know that we have a couple of Negroes on the block. Now, the old man, Jules Jesslike Pappas, is really a credit to his race, but he’s living in sin with a lazy, dark-skinned, good-for-nothing floozy named Lula Mae Bunsaplenty. I’d been so concerned for our neighborhood when she’d moved in. Thank goodness it hasn’t kept fine upstanding white folks like you from buying a home here!”
Lilliliver appeared disturbed. She hadn’t realized that there had been any Negroes in the neighborhood. That’s when she exclaimed, “They don’t have any boys, do they?”
“Oh no, my dear!” Prissy continued. “Jules and Lula Mae don’t have any children and I sincerely doubt that they ever will. Their relationship seems to be on the rocks. At least you won’t have to worry about your little girl being pursued by an oversexed black boy. Even so, we need to make sure that they don’t attract any other Negroes into our beautiful neighborhood!”
“Certainly not!” Lilliliver exclaimed. “I’ll be sure to warn Abner about the situation!”
Priscilla continued on as she said, “I’m afraid there’s one more neighbor on whom you’re going to have to keep an eye if you don’t want him keeping an eye on you. He’s really a pretty harmless old man named Poopsy Dinkledorf. Why, the man is over one hundred years-old, but he’s also a dirty old man and a Peeping Tom!”
Lilliliver quickly retorted, “Well, he’s not going to get a chance with me because I always keep my blinds closed!”
“That’s very wise, my dear,” replied a self-satisfied Priscilla. “Even so, I might suggest that you remain vigilant and peek out your blinds on a regular basis. You can always come running over to my house if you see anything that we should be concerned about.”
Lilliliver quickly went over to her window blinds where she parted them before she peered out in all directions. Priscilla smiled at her action. “Oh, Miss Bunhead,” Lilliliver whimpered. “I just can’t believe that we’re surrounded by perverts and Negroes! I can’t thank you enough for warning me! I feel so much more secure knowing that I’m going to have a good friend like you in order to help protect my little Senorita.”
“Well, there’s one other thing that you can do in order to help protect your little darling,” replied Priscilla who nearly spat out her last word upon remembering that perfectly wretched child. “I’ve formed a new organization called CUDDD. That stands for Citizens United for Decency on Dinkledorf Drive. We just happen to be having our first meeting tonight. I’m counting on you for your support.”
“Oh my, yes!” declared Priscilla’s newest hand puppet. “I’ll be sure to be there!”
“That’s a good girl,” purred Priscilla. “Now, it’s time for me to go!” With that said, she wormed her way out of her chair, took her leave, and she skittered across the street to her own lookout station.
Author Davis Aujourd'Hui
Sister Mary Olga Book Series
Book #1 "The Misadventures of Sister Mary Olga Fortitude"
Book #2 "Babes in Bucksnort"